Post Intoxication Elimination: Bacon and Peanut Butter Sandwich – GUEST BLOGGER

’twas the night before new years,
and all through the land
people prepare for their hang overs,
both small and grand.

For our first guest blog we wanted to help you prepare for tomorrow morning with a post intoxication elimination, courtesy of our good friend Olly Lennard of Philosophy Tube.

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When John Stewart Mill revised Benthamite utilitarianism to include higher and lower pleasures he placed this sandwich at the top. It was Leibniz’s reason for supposing we live in the best of all possible worlds. During his Meditations, Descartes wrote that he clearly and distinctly perceived how f*****g delicious this f*****g thing is.

Premise 1: Peanut Butter

Premise 2: Bacon (British bacon, none of that American streaky nonsense)

Premise 3: Bread

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Footnote: Brown Sauce (HP is best)

Footnote: Salt & Vinegar Crisps (‘Chips’, for you Americans)

Fry or grill your bacon to your preferred degree of crispiness.Camus once said “There is but one serious philosophical problem, and that is whether the bacon should be smoked or unsmoked.”

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Protip: put foil on a baking tray and put your bacon under the grill to save on washing.

While that’s happening liberally apply your peanut butter of choice – crunchy or smooth, it doesn’t matter – to your bread of choice. Seeded, granary, anything you like. That’s the great thing about this sandwich: you can choose how it comes together. Or at least participate in the illusion of choice.

Take out your bacon and get ready for the conclusion

Protip: put your bacon on some kitchen roll and let it soak up some of the grease for a minute to make it negligibly healthier.

Put your bacon into your sandwich and you’re ready to rock. Schopenhauer once took a bite of this thing and had a transcendental experience during which he merged with the perfect noumenal Idea of Sandwich. Unfortunately by the time he got back it was cold.

But this is only the tame version. There are many possible versions of this sandwich and debate rages over the best. The Logical Positivists denied the meaningfulness of anything that wasn’t an a priori axiom, empirically verifiable or covered in brown sauce, but you look like someone who can handle themselves, so let’s take it to the next level.

The optional ingredients are brown sauce and salt and vinegar crisps, but the order in which you stack them is key. You don’t want sauce on your crisps. So put sauce on the bottom. Then bacon. Then crisps. Bread with peanut butter on either side.

“I know that I know nothing,” Socrates famously said, “Except that bacon and peanut butter sandwiches are bloody fantastic.”

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